Trying out wordpress. I like the photoblog style, maybe post more about my life in montreal there!

My new url:
fromthemesstothemasses.wordpress.com/

I just realised I am the kid who wants to live up to her parents expectations.
I never knew i was like that. 
Just like how I use my grades to try to make them proud of me.
How I try to be a good by doing things I would think they approve of or want me to do.
And not do the things they don't want me to. 
But I realised that not all the time they are entirely right.
I know its in my best interest what my mom does. 
But I feel she's always playing it too safe.
I realised she and we never really got to do lots of things cuz she's always being too careful.
I'm not saying its a bad thing to be safe, but to be overly safe, you never really get to do interesting things in life.
I wish she would just take the wrong turn and just keep going, cuz maybe she'll find something exciting along the way.

I realised how many "I love you" I have heard from her, far from many.
Maybe it's just an asian mentality that creates the awkwardness between parent and child.
And even in the emails that I send to her during my stay in canada, my "love you"s have been reciprocated with "best regards"
 I guess thats why I am not that affectionate and I don't really know how to show my love to my friends and family that well.
And I sometimes wonder if my dad and sis feels the same way too.
My friends ask me how my parents can take being apart for such a long time.
At first, I thought it was totally normal for old couples to be like that. 
But now I think about it, I wonder how their relationship is surviving with the distance and lack of communication.
And I worry about my sister's relationship with my mom.
The fear that I foresaw 2 years back seems to be materializing.

When I see my mom with my niece, I see that side of her, the one that I could have only felt when I  was 3 again.
Not that I remembered much from that time but it must have been something like that.
I feel that she felt that she has lost a part of me, that 3 year old me.
And she would rather have that than the 19 year old standing here.
I guess most parents feel a little bit like that in one way or another.
I want to be that little girl again to make her happier but obviously I can't anymore.
And everytime I go out to hang out with my friends, I feel guilty for leaving her all alone at home.
When I do stay home, my mom doesn't show she likes me staying home.
But I guess she secretly does.

I want to tell her all these but I know the conversation will just end up her trying to take this issue lightly as if it doesn't really affect her.
And try to laugh it off or make it a small matter. 
And I realised that I am very much like her.
The thing that is most frustrating is that I am trying not to be like her cause I don't want to do unto others what she is doing to me. 

Well, this is a post very contrary to most people out there writing about mothers day. 
But I do know my mom loves me. 
It's just that sometimes I don't really feel it and this has sometimes make me forget.
After living with her for 19 years, I know all the little actions she does for me.
But I just wish she would just show it sometimes.

Finally home. 

Feels kinda weird. 
Happy to see everyone.
Also, sad as I'll miss my uni friends.

Feels different. 
Stuff I used to do seems so unnatural and seems so long ago.
Like how i can do the exact same thing there feels different here.
How the things i used to do here seems different than before.

Loss some freedom.
I realize no more being free as a bird but have to consider about the feelings of my parents and elders now
But gain some warmth and just being able to rely on someone you trusted for your whole life.

The pros and cons about singapore becomes even more evident than before.
Feeling out of place in both cities.
Though my loyalty still lies here. 
I feel that other places have so much more to give.

I miss my cats. 

Yes! Summer is finally coming! So excited! And so glad I'm actually going somewhere with true summer (well too much of it in fact).
Leave behind all the stress and truly breathe. Everyday seems like a major headache here and I'm so glad I'll have a break from it. 

So summer holidays, what shall I do with you? My internship has been blown off so I just gotta find something else to do. I really need to do something productive though. I need a job thats what I need;. No more bumming around like the last holiday and actually earn some money. I might do the last job that I have but it doesn't take up that much of my time. I have sent out millions of job applications but none has responded! PEOPLE PLEASE HIRE ME!!!

In the meantime, let me just daydream (yes dream, cuz I know I won't be able to fufil half of them) about the things I would like to do during summer.

Scientific details just makes me so excited!

I am finally done with my midterms. I would like to heave a sigh of relief but i know a groan of finals is gonna come in 3 weeks time. I wish there was more to life right now than just anal exams. There are times when I doubt what I am studying, and keep asking myself if that is what i really wanna do. And a lot of the times the answer come up to a NO. But is that just me trying to take the easier road and being lazy or is that what I truly feel. 
I want life to be mroe than just this. I pictured something else when I got here and I guess that was wishful thinking. There's so much more to Montreal than just the nightlife and mcgill. I want to learn more about the french and western culture and truly immerse in it. But circumstances stand in the way. 
At least my grades are pulling up which I'm so thankful for. I've been studying my ass off and I'm glad that yield some good results. I just need to maintain it and keep going. But what really scares me is that, this is the future I see. And I am sick of it. The weather has turned for the better, this year the bitter cold did not really get acquainted with me much and I really want to go outdoors and enjoy the sunlight. But all I get is the view from the library window. At least, the squirrels keep me enetertained with their twitches and stashes of nuts. 
I can;t wait for summer and maybe I'll be dreading fall but what I really need to do is to seriously consider what I want to do.

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin for the phone cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

-Lady Antebellum

______           Blank

So much to say but do not have the courage to say it out.

I realised how much time i spend not sleeping for the past year but just reflecting on things in the past.

It's 5:01am.

Can't fall asleep and staying awake is painful.

Quick, morning just come so I can get occupied with stuff to do.

Academic week. Lot's of talks to attend to. Research, Internships, volunteer programs, medical directions, interviews.... so much to think about and to read up on. The end of winter term spells a whole long summer break of ____ things to do. Now I gotta fill this ____ with lots of stuff to make the most of it. Its so tiring to think of all these with my midterms haning over me and extracircular and social activities to go for. I just want to sleep all day because of my cold that is making my body really lethargic.
Tomorrow's schedule is crazy. Early classes to volunteer fair to study for exam to tutorial to internship talk to dance class to a friend's bday.dinner... Can't breathe for a slight bit ( metaphorically and literally...due to congested nose)
Trying to fit in as much rest to get the optimum recovery speed.
Then I have to worry about my retarded phone of being charged 500 bucks, which will add on more errands to run to get a refurbished one for less.
Then have to decide if I want to go for certain events like chinese new year celebrations which some friend's are performing in. Plan the trip to Ottawa during reading break (a.k.a Spring break). Decide if I have the time for hot yoga classes (by the looks of it I dont)
I guess I should just put aside all the social stuff first and concentrate on the more important ones.

Hier, il a plu. Aujourd'hui, il a neigé. Le temps est truc. Il fait froid particulièrement quand tu as le rhume.

btw, gaga means razy, nuts (de qn, about sb)