I just realised I am the kid who wants to live up to her parents expectations.
I never knew i was like that.
Just like how I use my grades to try to make them proud of me.
How I try to be a good by doing things I would think they approve of or want me to do.
And not do the things they don't want me to.
But I realised that not all the time they are entirely right.
I know its in my best interest what my mom does.
But I feel she's always playing it too safe.
I realised she and we never really got to do lots of things cuz she's always being too careful.
I'm not saying its a bad thing to be safe, but to be overly safe, you never really get to do interesting things in life.
I wish she would just take the wrong turn and just keep going, cuz maybe she'll find something exciting along the way.
I realised how many "I love you" I have heard from her, far from many.
Maybe it's just an asian mentality that creates the awkwardness between parent and child.
And even in the emails that I send to her during my stay in canada, my "love you"s have been reciprocated with "best regards"
I guess thats why I am not that affectionate and I don't really know how to show my love to my friends and family that well.
And I sometimes wonder if my dad and sis feels the same way too.
My friends ask me how my parents can take being apart for such a long time.
At first, I thought it was totally normal for old couples to be like that.
But now I think about it, I wonder how their relationship is surviving with the distance and lack of communication.
And I worry about my sister's relationship with my mom.
The fear that I foresaw 2 years back seems to be materializing.
When I see my mom with my niece, I see that side of her, the one that I could have only felt when I was 3 again.
Not that I remembered much from that time but it must have been something like that.
I feel that she felt that she has lost a part of me, that 3 year old me.
And she would rather have that than the 19 year old standing here.
I guess most parents feel a little bit like that in one way or another.
I want to be that little girl again to make her happier but obviously I can't anymore.
And everytime I go out to hang out with my friends, I feel guilty for leaving her all alone at home.
When I do stay home, my mom doesn't show she likes me staying home.
But I guess she secretly does.
I want to tell her all these but I know the conversation will just end up her trying to take this issue lightly as if it doesn't really affect her.
And try to laugh it off or make it a small matter.
And I realised that I am very much like her.
The thing that is most frustrating is that I am trying not to be like her cause I don't want to do unto others what she is doing to me.
Well, this is a post very contrary to most people out there writing about mothers day.
But I do know my mom loves me.
It's just that sometimes I don't really feel it and this has sometimes make me forget.
After living with her for 19 years, I know all the little actions she does for me.
But I just wish she would just show it sometimes.